


just give me a sign (say anything, say anything)

by siremy



Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Boys Kissing, Boys with feelings, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexual Confusion, mentioned Homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-04-30 21:00:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14505384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siremy/pseuds/siremy
Summary: (Set after 1.07 - when Simon realizes he can’t go through with having sex with Annabelle)[First Part is just a quick introduction]“So what? You suddenly want to be around me because you couldn’t have sex with your own girlfriend?” Jeremy shakes his head. “Just forget it, Simon. I’m not another person to toy around with.”Simon finds himself speechless, wanting to shout out to Jeremy’s retreating form that Annabella isn’t his girlfriend anymore.





	1. Introduction

_"Get out!”_

_"Get out, Simon!"_

The words keep echoing as he runs to his car, tears still glossing over his eyes and then running down his cheeks. He's probably outrunning them at the pace he's currently going.

Her voice is so repulsed by him. He can't blame her for so many reasons: he's believed to be repulsed by same-sex relationships through his family and religious beliefs, and his parents definitely will disown him if they find out he's had these thoughts about another boy. They know his part in the play and that reaction alone scares Simon

He's even a bit surprised word hasn't gone around town that he's been spotted kissing a boy, Jeremy Travers, in the school's parking lot. They live in a small town and everyone's business is advertised to anyone who hears or sees it.

Well, actually, Jeremy was the one who kissed him first. Simon told Jeremy he didn't kiss him back. That's a total lie. In his defense, there's too much at stake for him to be out in public kissing Jeremy. It's things that Jeremy doesn't understand - not that he's let Jeremy in enough yet for him to understand most of it anyway.

_"Don't touch me anyone."_

He knows exactly why Jeremy doesn't want him to touch him anymore, even though it's mainly for the play. His own touch will be a burn on Jeremy's heart. As much as he wants it, he has to protect his heart from breaking anymore than it already has. Simon made sure to push Jeremy away the best way he knew how - a way that's going to be hard to be forgiven for, especially know that he's realized something about himself that's so powerful and filled with such uncertainty.

The other boy's touch is also like a burn - but it's a good kind of burn. It's one that warms his bones and he never wants the warmth to dissipate.

There's so much fear and confusion coursing through his veins and suffocating his brain.

As he's searching for the keys in the pocket of his jean jacket, he first takes his phone out of his pocket to check the time. His parents set a different curfew on the weekends than on school nights. He just wants to know how much time he has left until he has to put himself back together for the sake of now being a complete disappointment to his father. Now, that's acting.

He should probably tell his mother that he may be a little late coming home from Annabelle's. After he sends it, he climbs into his car and hides himself away. HIs mother is still awake and her reply comes rather quickly.

As he opens his messages to read it, he freezes when he sees Jeremy's name on the top of his list of messages. It's one that's unread because Simon's tried being a jerk and ignoring anything that comes from Jeremy.

_"Do you feel something when you're with me?"_

He feels everything. He feels so much and he can't get a grasp on any of it. When he thinks he's almost figured it out, it slips effortlessly through his fingers. It's like trying to catch water with one hand.

With shaky hands, Simon scrolls down a little further and taps the screen. Then he puts his phone to is his ear, letting out a long heavy breath as he listens to the ringing. He doesn't get an answer, which he isn't surprised by. He waits until the robotic voice is finished telling him what he already knows before speaking.

"H-hey, it's me." He swallows, trying to get any amount of composure. "I know it's getting late and you've got your own things going on but I really need to talk to you right now. Can I stop by?"


	2. 1.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon goes to meet with Lilette to try and let her in on what’s been going on with him.

The entire time he’s in the car his mind is hijacked in this endless loop of every single thing that Jeremy has ever implied about him - with and without words. Flashes of hands reaching for the simplest of touches, times spent glancing at Jeremy in the hallway, practically diving in to kiss another boy for the first time ever.

He’s been rejected by Jeremy the first time and he can’t help but wonder what he did wrong there. Was it because Jeremy didn’t think he was actually going to go through with it, so he backed away first to save him from sin? Simon remembers Jeremy looking scared - eyes sporadically searching his and becoming glossy with tears. Simon also remembers that Jeremy’s rejection hurt.

Why would it hurt him if he wasn’t gay? Is it even about the possibility that he feels something new and different towards Jeremy or is it just rejection in general?

There are way to many questions and feeling to be felt and he has to be able to swallow them all back up again. He will not break in front of his father when he sees him.

He will, however, let himself break in front of the people he feels will support him and try to understand what he’s going through. He can’t exactly hide himself away from everyone because he can’t even hide his true identity from himself anymore.

Simon’s car is parked in the back of the diner where his best friend works. She’s been put on the night shift recently so he’s only been able to see Lilette during school hours. They mostly have been talking about the play, so this catch-up is going to hit him hard.

He feels like he’s going to cry again just from seeing her. She told him not to go through with having sex with Annabelle unless he was completely sure it was what he wanted. At the time he convinced himself that it was and that it had to be what he wanted because he was not in love with Jeremy Travers.

He lets out a few breaths to try and compose himself a little bit like he’s done before.

Simon can usually tell Lilette anything, though he’s done quite a bit of lying to her already. That’s mostly because he’s been protecting himself from his own truth, as well as his father’s high dislike of the school’s play.

He wonders if Lilette has noticed anything different about him since he’s been paired up with Jeremy. She can tell when he’s lying, so maybe she does know there’s been something going on with him. It would be a little easier on him if she did.

Finally stepping out of his car, Simon quickly walks around to the front of the diner. He’d knock on the back door of the kitchen if Lilette was closing up, but she isn’t tonight and he doesn’t want her getting into more trouble with her boss.

When he enters the diner Simon sees Lilette carrying off some dirty plates, as well as stopping at other tables and chatting with the customers. Simon feels a bit uneasy because he can’t be talking with Lilette around all these people. They’d overhear things Simon isn’t ready for them to hear and he’d be the disgraceful talk of the town. That’s what sucks about living in a small town.

He stands by the door awkwardly, another waitress asking him if he could wait for an available table. She leaves before he can shake his head and tell her he’s just waiting for Lilette.

A few minutes go by before his best friend even realizes that he’s there. A a smile graces over her lips as she walks over to Simon, her arms wrapping around him in a hug.

His arms take a few more seconds to react than they should, closing around her slowly. It’s been a while since they’ve even shared a hug and with all of his confusion he doesn’t know if he’s capable of hugging a girl ever again.

Stepping back and pulling the strand of hair that’s sticking to her lips, Lilettelets out her angelic laugh. “Hey, so my break is about to start. I only have like 15 minutes. Is that enough time? You sounded a bit weird on the phone.”

He doesn’t think 15 minutes is enough time to confess and explain to her about everything going on in his head. It would take way longer for him to even sort out his thoughts. In the car ride he didn’t even figure out exactly what he wants to tell Lilette.

“Um, probably not.” He reaches up and scratches at the back of his neck nervously. “C-can we talk about this outside?”

She looks over her shoulder, her wavy ponytail swaying as she moves. Lilette nods at her greasy boss before telling Simon that it’s fine.

“I couldn’t,” Simon shoves his pockets when they’re outside. He’s getting aggravated with himself now that he’s about to say it aloud that he, a boy, couldn’t have sex with a girl. It’s what he’s supposed to be able to do.

Well, he should be waiting until marriage to be having sex. When that time comes it’s supposed to be between a man and a woman. That’s something he’s always been taught.

He begins to rapidly blink his eyes to stop himself from crying. Simon stops when he feels Lilette’s hand on his arm.

“Is this about Annabelle? Simon, I told you it’s a big deal and you shouldn’t go through with it if you’re not ready.” Lilette tells him.

“We didn’t have sex.” He says. “I couldn’t go through with it.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. You have nothing to be embarrassed about and Annabelle will understand.” Lilette says. She’s not getting it.

He shakes his head at her. “She’s not going to forgive me. She yelled at me and kicked me out.”

Lilette raises her brow in confusion. “That doesn’t sound like Annabelle.”

Simon shrugs his shoulders. “It’s her now and it’s my fault. I don’t blame her for reacting the way that she did. I mean, I think she knows why I can’t sleep with her.”

“Do I want to hear about this? It sounds like something that’s private.” Lilette says.

“I have to tell somebody, Lilette. It’s been eating me up inside to the point where I feel like I’m going to be sick.” Simon’s voice becomes louder with each word.

“Simon, what are you talking about. What’s going on with you?” She’s starting to get worried.

“I think - I think I might be gay.” After the words come out, he lets out a long stream of air that’s been trapped in his lungs and weighing down painfully on his chest. He didn’t think he’d feel any lighter after just saying it, but he sort of does.

He watches Lilette’s face as she tries to take in what he’s finally confessed to her. Her brows are knitted before her entire face relaxes. Maybe she’ll be okay with it and not hate him. They can still be friends after this.

“What makes you think you might be gay?”

“Jeremy.” He mutters out his name. “A couple of days ago he kissed me at school. We were outside in front of the entire town and he kissed me. I kissed him back but I had to tell him I didn’t.

I know he has this massive crush on me but I pushed him away because I wasn’t ready to be gay. I don’t understand anything about what I’m feeling and what all of it means. I didn’t think I could ever be gay until Jeremy happened.” The words suddenly all rush out of him at once and he thinks maybe he’ll be able to do this.

“Okay, um,” she licks at her lips, “wow, okay.” Her head starts to nod as she starts to pace on the sidewalk. “Okay, let me get this right. You and Jeremy kissed and now you think you could be gay?”

“It’s not just about the kiss. I’ve had these feelings towards him before it. Like whenever I’d see him in the halls talking and laughing with other guys, I felt - I felt like I wanted to make him laugh like that.”

“Maybe you can talk to Jeremy and explain everything? I haven’t spoken to him much myself but he seems like he’d be willing to listen.”

Simon looks down at the ground again because the last thing Jeremy said to him still hurts like he’s been stabbed in the heart with a sword. “He told me not to touch him anymore. He hates me and I have to respect him about that. I mean, our characters are in love and they touch. I don’t know what to do.” His hands go into his styled hair in frustration.

“Do you want to touch him?”

“I can do that without even having to think about it.” Simon says and that relaxes him a bit but that goes away because now he has to stop something that’s become natural to him.

Lilette smiles at him. Now Simon thinks she’s starting to get it.

“What do you think I should do about Annabelle?”

“Give her time and space. You have a lot to figure out and she needs to process things at her own pace too. Just don’t force yourself to try and fix things right away.”

Lilette’s probably right and he knows Annabelle doesn’t want to see him. He doesn’t blame her because everything that’s gone wrong is all on him.

“I don’t care, you know? If you’re gay, then you’re still going to be my best friend. I don’t see you any differently, Simon. I do, however, want to see you happy again. It sounds like Jeremy could be the answer.”

Simon finally lets his lips quirk into a smile. It doesn’t stay long because her boss comes out and tells Lilette that her break is over.

“Do you need a ride after work?” He offers, knowing she doesn’t have a car of her own.

She shakes her head. “Robbie’s coming to pick me up after football practice. He’s still staying late.”

“I’m happy that you’re happy, Lilette.” He tells her honestly. It’s about time there’s been something good in her life. Robbie seems to be a good person.

“He told me you threatened him if he hurts me.” She laughs again. “You’re an amazing friend, Simon Saunders, and you’re going to figure this out. You’re going to be okay and I’m going to be here for you. Always.”

Lilette hugs him again. It’s longer this time and everything Simon needs right now. He’s not reluctant about hugging her back and he holds her tightly. He appreciates her for all that she is so much and having her in his corner through all of this is something he hoped for. Lilette is pretty much heaven-sent.

“I’ll talk to you later, okay? Keep me updated and I promise not to tell a single person. You’re the only person who should be sharing this part of yourself with other people. And only when you’re ready, okay? I mean it, Simon.” She points a finger at him and smiles slyly at him. It’s in a joking and teasing way.

Simon nods. “Thank you, Lilette. I can always count on you.”

“You can count on yourself too.” She comments before going back inside the diner.

Her words resonate in him the entire drive back to his house where he’s definitely not ready to be open about this.

 


End file.
